Recruitment Drive

Note: The following is a journal entry of a fictional CEO of ABC company:

I have just finished my meeting with my human resource team. Since the company is expanding, we need more people. In fact, I am very pleased with the recruitment strategy proposed and the advertisement prepared by the human resource team. At least I know I am paying good money to these people. The advert goes as follows:

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JOB OPPORTUNITY

ABC is a leading company in the industry and is seeking to expand over the next few years. We are currently looking for talented people to support this growth. Opportunities available as follows:

Position: Junior Analyst

We are looking for enthusiastic people with the passion to excel with the company. The candidate must be willing to put in the extra hours and has superb analytical skills. The candidate must be a team player and willing to support other team members, not limiting to photocopying documents, buying lunch/ dinner, making coffee and tea, and other value added roles. Drive for personal development and ability to adept changes is a must.

You must have a recognised university degree with an excellent academic track record. Experience in the industry will be an added advantage.

Max gross pay of RM2,100 a month.

Position: Managers/ Senior Managers

We are looking for people with lots of contacts and guarantee that they can bring in existing clients to the company. The candidate must be able to present themselves among clients and display ability to interact with people in order to seek marketing opportunities.

University degree and professional qualification are not important and does not add any advantage for this position.

Analytical skills are not required as you will be supported by a team of junior analyst.

Candidate must be able to work effectively via smart delegation.

Ability to suck-up to the boss is an added advantage.

Candidates will be tested for their ability to bullshit as part of the requirement for the above position.

Min gross pay of RM10,000 a month with company benefits such as car allowance and healthcare benefits.

Successful candidate will be notified. If you have not heard from us within 3 days of your application, that means you have failed our CV screening test.

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So far, I have received hundreds of enquiries for Managers and Senior Managers position but only one enquiry for Junior Analyst position. I am not sure the reason for the lack of response for the Junior Analyst position since we are paying above market rate! Perhaps I should not fire the temporary trainee (for mistakenly calling me the janitor) and promote her to Junior Analyst as a short term measure to the shortage of Junior Analyst. She is lucky…for now.

Carrot and the stick; the extreme measure

Here is a Bob’s way of managing delinquent staff member:

Internal Memo

To: All employees of Company ABC

From: CEO
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It has come to my attention that of recent, many of our employees are not wiling to take on additional projects which are in the pipeline, citing that there are too many projects at hand.

Whilst I appreciate your concern and your well-being within the company, I am also mindful that, in my observation, there is a fair number of people (actually everyone) comes to work by half an hour late and leave 30 minutes earlier than the normal working time as per the terms of your employment. Accordingly, it is clearly that there is still room for our people to work on some of the new projects within the pipeline.

As I am not an authoritarian and prefer members of the staff to volunteer themselves, I am proposing a new system of project allocation, which follows the free market system (since I am an economist by training). Every month, new projects will be release on the information board with relevant information (the amount of ‘shit’ you would need to address). People are required to choose the relevant projects (based on your own expertise and experience) as soon as possible on a first come first serve basis.

For those who did not volunteer to undertake a project within 24 hours after the release of information on the information board, I would assume that you are not willing to participate in this free market system and prefer to be subject under authoritarian rule, which I am more than happy to accommodate.

In this case, I would let the fruits to decide your fate. Each member of staff will be given a range of fruits (rambutan, apple, pineapple and durian) to choose from. Each of these fruits represent the complexity of the projects where rambutans would represent the most complicated project and less complicated projects would be represented by durians. The chosen choice of fruits would be shoved into your own ass. That means, you would have to endure the pain of complicated projects if you have a tiny rambutan shoved into your ass. Where as, if you prefer to endure the pain first and enjoy the luxury of an easy project later, you are welcomed to take the durian.

The fruits will be discarded after the ‘shovelling’ exercise, unless some member of the staff deemed that it is too wasteful, I am more than happy to have the fruits left on the common area for consumption.

This policy will commence with immediate effect. The project information will be release next week Monday morning at 9.00 am (same time the stock exchange is open for trading) and will close by 5.00 pm. The relevant fruits which I have taken pain to personally select (wait till you see the durian I’ve got…the biggest D24 I’ve ever seen) will arrive on Tuesday morning to meet those believer of authoritarian rule.

Should you have any queries, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Disclaimer: This internal memo is writen as a form of a humour for entertainment purpose. Bob's World have not performed such action reflected in this blog nor does he agree with this practice (of using fruits for HR purpose). If this is similar to any actual event, it is purely coincidental.

It is not intended for any right-minded CEO or management to adopt or to practice the fruit system. Bob's World is not responsible for any injuries, liabilities, cost and damages arising from the adoption/ practicing the content of this blog.