Carrot and the stick; the extreme measure

Here is a Bob’s way of managing delinquent staff member:

Internal Memo

To: All employees of Company ABC

From: CEO
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It has come to my attention that of recent, many of our employees are not wiling to take on additional projects which are in the pipeline, citing that there are too many projects at hand.

Whilst I appreciate your concern and your well-being within the company, I am also mindful that, in my observation, there is a fair number of people (actually everyone) comes to work by half an hour late and leave 30 minutes earlier than the normal working time as per the terms of your employment. Accordingly, it is clearly that there is still room for our people to work on some of the new projects within the pipeline.

As I am not an authoritarian and prefer members of the staff to volunteer themselves, I am proposing a new system of project allocation, which follows the free market system (since I am an economist by training). Every month, new projects will be release on the information board with relevant information (the amount of ‘shit’ you would need to address). People are required to choose the relevant projects (based on your own expertise and experience) as soon as possible on a first come first serve basis.

For those who did not volunteer to undertake a project within 24 hours after the release of information on the information board, I would assume that you are not willing to participate in this free market system and prefer to be subject under authoritarian rule, which I am more than happy to accommodate.

In this case, I would let the fruits to decide your fate. Each member of staff will be given a range of fruits (rambutan, apple, pineapple and durian) to choose from. Each of these fruits represent the complexity of the projects where rambutans would represent the most complicated project and less complicated projects would be represented by durians. The chosen choice of fruits would be shoved into your own ass. That means, you would have to endure the pain of complicated projects if you have a tiny rambutan shoved into your ass. Where as, if you prefer to endure the pain first and enjoy the luxury of an easy project later, you are welcomed to take the durian.

The fruits will be discarded after the ‘shovelling’ exercise, unless some member of the staff deemed that it is too wasteful, I am more than happy to have the fruits left on the common area for consumption.

This policy will commence with immediate effect. The project information will be release next week Monday morning at 9.00 am (same time the stock exchange is open for trading) and will close by 5.00 pm. The relevant fruits which I have taken pain to personally select (wait till you see the durian I’ve got…the biggest D24 I’ve ever seen) will arrive on Tuesday morning to meet those believer of authoritarian rule.

Should you have any queries, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Disclaimer: This internal memo is writen as a form of a humour for entertainment purpose. Bob's World have not performed such action reflected in this blog nor does he agree with this practice (of using fruits for HR purpose). If this is similar to any actual event, it is purely coincidental.

It is not intended for any right-minded CEO or management to adopt or to practice the fruit system. Bob's World is not responsible for any injuries, liabilities, cost and damages arising from the adoption/ practicing the content of this blog.